Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | March 2, 2015

Thinking and Rethinking

So I’m thinking this three things that went well isn’t really working for me. It just seems sort of silly – some days are going to have a bunch of things that went well and others days, not so much. So since writing is supposed to help with depression, I’m just going to try to write a post every few days and to put in stuff that went well or things I’m grateful for.

I’m wondering why it is, when I’m alone I can feel that heavy weight of depression holding me down, making me want to cry, gluing me to the sofa, but when I’m with other people I can pull myself together and be cheerful and conversational. Of course, afterwards I’m exhausted but still . . .  I’m wondering what it is we don’t know about depression and other mental illnesses. Why do they happen to some people and not others? Why is it something relatively mild may trigger a depressive episode and something way more major may not? Why is the mind body connection? Why is the chemistry that happens and how? What are the genetic links and how does that work? We have theories, but we really don’t have much in the way of hard facts for any of this, which makes it all that much more irritating. I really like facts; I like to know why and how stuff happens and this just frustrates me.

In other news, I did do yoga today and meditate although it was way too windy too walk. And I made chicken mole which I’ve never made before. I’m telling you, it’s a lot of work. And messy. But fairly tasty. But next time I make it, it’s going to be when the man is home and can take over some of the stirring and chopping and pureeing.

Now, a good night’s sleep would be good without bad or weird dreams. I dreamed that I was in prison, that I was at my father’s funeral, and that someone was criticizing my new t-shirt and oddly enough they all had the same emotional weight to them. Dreams are strange creatures sometimes . . .

Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | February 28, 2015

Fried chicken and a walk

Three things for today:

I went for a walk with my guy.

I fried a LOT of chicken for a dinner at church.

I cleaned the kitchen after the frying. Sweet baby jeebus but oil gets everywhere. I guess there’s a bonus in the further seasoning of the cast iron frying pan, so yay for that. And the chicken certainly tasted good, but it’s so not something I’m doing very often.

On an entirely different note, I decided to watch some of Star Trek in memory of Leonard Nimoy and started with the original pilot. I didn’t realize I’d never seen it and that it didn’t have the same cast as the rest of the show. And, oh dear, but those are some really sorry special effects, although entertaining in their sorry-ness.

Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | February 27, 2015

This is hard

Hard to remember to do it everyday. Hard to think of three things that went well when I feel like crap. Really hard to do after a half hour of yelling back and forth with the husband and the boy over undone homework and lower grades than he should be getting. That was last night.

All the way up to then, yesterday was a good day. Two good classes, lunch with friends, a peaceful interlude with netflix on the sofa but it ended badly. Parenting is so hard sometimes.

Today, what went well? Accomplishments were: clean sheets on the bed and two loads of laundry done and a pot of chicken stock made. And then there was dinner out with my husband in which I asked for some help in doing things that I should be doing to help alleviate this fucking depression. Like go for a walk. Like encourage me to call for a different therapist. It’s so hard to ask for help; I feel like such a failure. I feel like I should be able to fix it myself and while I know that is a load of bullshit I can’t seem to eradicate that feeling.

I want to feel joy again. I miss joy.

Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | February 25, 2015

The Black Dog visits

The black dog is what Winston Churchill called his bouts of depression. Although it does malign black dogs and isn’t exactly how I feel – more like I’m wearing a wet suit made of lead and am surrounded by fog. Anyway, it wasn’t a good day.

Things that went well – my car didn’t have anything wrong in spite of the horrid noise it was making last night and this morning which was coming from the newly installed tire so it was probably just a rock or something caught in there that worked it’s way out. And no charge for the checking it out.

Dinner was tasty and adding chipotle pepper to the recipe helped – Mexican meatball soup.

The brick I’ve put on the bird feeder seems to be stymying the squirrels who were determined to get in my squirrel proof feeder.

I’m taking an ambien and going to bed. Tomorrow I’ve got my theology classes (yay!) plus probably lunch after with friends and then after a couple of errands I’m planning on a nice watching of another episode of Foyle’s War on netflix. And a pizza dinner so I don’t have to cook.

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