Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | February 27, 2015

This is hard

Hard to remember to do it everyday. Hard to think of three things that went well when I feel like crap. Really hard to do after a half hour of yelling back and forth with the husband and the boy over undone homework and lower grades than he should be getting. That was last night.

All the way up to then, yesterday was a good day. Two good classes, lunch with friends, a peaceful interlude with netflix on the sofa but it ended badly. Parenting is so hard sometimes.

Today, what went well? Accomplishments were: clean sheets on the bed and two loads of laundry done and a pot of chicken stock made. And then there was dinner out with my husband in which I asked for some help in doing things that I should be doing to help alleviate this fucking depression. Like go for a walk. Like encourage me to call for a different therapist. It’s so hard to ask for help; I feel like such a failure. I feel like I should be able to fix it myself and while I know that is a load of bullshit I can’t seem to eradicate that feeling.

I want to feel joy again. I miss joy.

Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | February 25, 2015

The Black Dog visits

The black dog is what Winston Churchill called his bouts of depression. Although it does malign black dogs and isn’t exactly how I feel – more like I’m wearing a wet suit made of lead and am surrounded by fog. Anyway, it wasn’t a good day.

Things that went well – my car didn’t have anything wrong in spite of the horrid noise it was making last night and this morning which was coming from the newly installed tire so it was probably just a rock or something caught in there that worked it’s way out. And no charge for the checking it out.

Dinner was tasty and adding chipotle pepper to the recipe helped – Mexican meatball soup.

The brick I’ve put on the bird feeder seems to be stymying the squirrels who were determined to get in my squirrel proof feeder.

I’m taking an ambien and going to bed. Tomorrow I’ve got my theology classes (yay!) plus probably lunch after with friends and then after a couple of errands I’m planning on a nice watching of another episode of Foyle’s War on netflix. And a pizza dinner so I don’t have to cook.

Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | February 24, 2015

a miracle occurred

Today was grocery shopping day. I was planning on going after getting my hair cut first thing in the morning and remembering to bring all the plastic bags to recycling and the accumulated coins to the coin machine. It was also a complicated list because I’m making stuff I rarely (Thai shrimp soup) make or have never made (chicken mole). I forgot the bags and coins but went back for them. Upon arrival at the store I realized I didn’t have the list. Do you know what that means? I’m the person who walks into a room and not only can’t remember what I wanted, doesn’t even remember that I did want something. I’m the person who opens the computer and instantaneously forgets what it was I opened it for. So I dithered. Then I girded up my loins (what does that even mean?) and went in. Shopped, carefully looking at stuff all up and down the aisles in case it triggered an “I need that!” Got home. Found the missing list and the miracle is I only forgot two things! And not only that, they are two things that can easily wait until next time. I know, in the great context of life, this is really, really small beans, but hey, it’s a minor miracle for me and that’s what counts.

Other things that went well: I got my haircut so I am no longer confused with Shaggy of Scooby Doo fame. Except fatter. And we ate all the leftovers before they started to grow strange mutant fungus on them.

Here I am, celebrating the small stuff as best I can.

Posted by: Karen (Betty Bear) | February 23, 2015

The three things of Monday

I made a tasty batch of red sauce for pasta and served it for dinner plus 7 pint jars shoved in the freezer.  Years, lots of years, of doing this means no recipe, just throw the stuff in there.

I actually did both yoga and went for a walk. Go me. Although, dang, that wind was COLD!! Much mental persuasion was needed for this, which may have used up my mental energy quotient for the day.

Had a lovely chat with the girl child in which we critiqued Oscar outfits – highly entertaining. And Lordy, there was a lot of really exposed cleavage. I always wonder what the hell I would wear if I were at an awards ceremony. I’m all about the comfort, plus there’s the overweight thing, but I don’t really think sweatpants would be appropriate. I’m willing to bet that there are at least a few attendees who wish that was what they were wearing though.

And, as a bonus, I remembered to write this! Go me again!

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