Before I get to the joy bit, I just got home from dropping the boy at scouts and the fog, from the snow-covered ground, warmer air and rain, looks just like the special effects in a horror movie. I kept waiting for the zombies to jump on the car.

So, referring back to the post on the TED talk by Andrew Solomon, he said depression is the absence of vitality. It also is, at least for me, the absence of joy. I can feel happiness, although it feels a little distant, but joy, that deep, all-encompassing feeling, that is missing. Add that to the list of things I miss. On Sunday, I was listening to the sermon our pastor (the one I like, not the douchewaffle) was preaching and she was talking about the presence of God being the feeling of joy, that if we were feeling joy we were feeling God. I’m not entirely sure I agree, but I do feel that when I feel joy, I feel that deep connection to the universe. I’d really like to get that back. It’s not a sustainable emotion, but it is one that repeats.

Recent happy things – really good curry last night, the swooping Cooper’s hawk that keeps coming by, the warmer weather which has helped me get out and walk two days in a row, a picture of my girl child looking oh so happy with a group of her friends, and a good book – Dreaming Spies by Laurie R. King.

If anyone has a really funny video, send me a link, I’d like something to really laugh at.

Y’know, when there isn’t much going on in one’s life, it seems sort of pointless to blog unless there is some Thing which one wants to discuss. And when there isn’t, there are no blogs.

In the realm of self-care, I have been cheerleading myself when accomplishing even the smallest things – yay, you knit two rows on the scarf! yay – you brushed your teeth! yay – you get the idea . . . And while I’m not sure if that is making a difference, I have been feeling better the last few days. Today I bought colored pencils and started coloring a mandela after reading that coloring has a calming effect much like meditation, which I totally suck at. I’m happy to report that It does. I picked out a color and carefully colored in a little area, and then picked another and did it again and again making a lovely design. Also, the boy child and I started a puzzle. Why, we are now wondering, did we pick one with 1,000 pieces instead of a 500 piece one, but I’m sure in a few days we’ll have started getting it together.

So trying to keep taking steps, trying to stop the negative thinking, keeping trying . . .

So I’m thinking this three things that went well isn’t really working for me. It just seems sort of silly – some days are going to have a bunch of things that went well and others days, not so much. So since writing is supposed to help with depression, I’m just going to try to write a post every few days and to put in stuff that went well or things I’m grateful for.

I’m wondering why it is, when I’m alone I can feel that heavy weight of depression holding me down, making me want to cry, gluing me to the sofa, but when I’m with other people I can pull myself together and be cheerful and conversational. Of course, afterwards I’m exhausted but still . . .  I’m wondering what it is we don’t know about depression and other mental illnesses. Why do they happen to some people and not others? Why is it something relatively mild may trigger a depressive episode and something way more major may not? Why is the mind body connection? Why is the chemistry that happens and how? What are the genetic links and how does that work? We have theories, but we really don’t have much in the way of hard facts for any of this, which makes it all that much more irritating. I really like facts; I like to know why and how stuff happens and this just frustrates me.

In other news, I did do yoga today and meditate although it was way too windy too walk. And I made chicken mole which I’ve never made before. I’m telling you, it’s a lot of work. And messy. But fairly tasty. But next time I make it, it’s going to be when the man is home and can take over some of the stirring and chopping and pureeing.

Now, a good night’s sleep would be good without bad or weird dreams. I dreamed that I was in prison, that I was at my father’s funeral, and that someone was criticizing my new t-shirt and oddly enough they all had the same emotional weight to them. Dreams are strange creatures sometimes . . .

Three things for today:

I went for a walk with my guy.

I fried a LOT of chicken for a dinner at church.

I cleaned the kitchen after the frying. Sweet baby jeebus but oil gets everywhere. I guess there’s a bonus in the further seasoning of the cast iron frying pan, so yay for that. And the chicken certainly tasted good, but it’s so not something I’m doing very often.

On an entirely different note, I decided to watch some of Star Trek in memory of Leonard Nimoy and started with the original pilot. I didn’t realize I’d never seen it and that it didn’t have the same cast as the rest of the show. And, oh dear, but those are some really sorry special effects, although entertaining in their sorry-ness.